Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I'm an Idiot, My Boss Hates Me, My Heart Hurts

This job will kill me. Maybe not this particular one but this career will. My heart goes into overdrive and I feel like a 27 year old person should not be experiencing chest pain. I get too stressed out, I TRY to live up to the expectations of one of my bosses and simply CAN NOT meet them no matter how hard I try. I forget things off the PR, or I miss hear or she just doesnt like the sound of my voice. When I try to sound nice and kowtow I think she thinks I'm being fake, when Im NORMAL Im not nice enough and come off as someone who doesn't want to learn. I can't do right by her at all.

I feel sad... Im just fucking sad. For whatever you see written in here most of the time Im sad. From both work and personal matters. Im trying to stay afloat on miniscule happy thoughts of Christmas and the Sims. My parents have essentially lost their job and are talking to me about moving back to Poland and... while they always do that this time it feels a lot more serious. I don't think I should stay with K. Someone spoke to me about how if we were meant to be together one of us would be willing to sacrifice in order for us to be in the same city and neither of us is willing to do that. I can't get over the fact that I lived with him and regardless of the circumstances I didn't have a good time and I don't know if I ever will and the opportunity to live together will not come up again in forever and can I really stay with him for that much longer? I can't find alternatives or moderate solutions; I just don't know how to be in an "open" relationship and be seeing other people. Its seems shitty and false and if Im going to do that I may as well just break up. I think Im a one or the other kind of person. This with the work and the parents and the loneliness of LA...

FUCK life. Just fuck it. The best part of my day is when I'm asleep. That's fucking sad.


  1. Sounds like you're having a really hard time, but things will get better. The beginning of a career is difficult, but you don't stay at the beginning forever. Long distance relationships are difficult but one way or the other those don't last forever either. And bosses come and go, so even if this one doesn't like your style the next one might love it. Besides, I think you'll find that the Sims is more fun than sleeping.

  2. Thanks Ruth. I know Im looking forward to those Sims like noone's business. You're absolutely right about everything you said and thanks for reminding me. As for the bosses come and go that is more true with me than anything else. Starting January it'll be a new show and a whole new batch of people. I called you a month or so back because I wanted to tell you that I was walking in the background behind David Boreanaz and I felt that only you would understand how meaningful that was :)