Friday, July 30, 2010


Ok so ever since I can remember, for the most part, my birthdays have been horrible. I've always cried on them and tried really hard not to give a shit. To, call it a day like any other and move the fuck on. There's been one or two in recent years that have surmounted this "stereotype" of mine and I thought that perhaps finally I'd dug myself out of the hole of having craptastic birthdays where I feel distanced from my family, or so geeky and estranged that I had noone to share it with me. Well quite honestly I think this last one may have taken the cake. Worse than when my ex boyfriend's father died on my birthday. I'm not trying to get sympathy just blathering on about whats going on in life. All said and done that night I realized that my relationship really and truly has ended. I thank my friends for being there with some really good advice that I can hopefully keep in my thoughts as I go forward. Working on that as we speak.

Please put me to work! I dont want to sit in the empty apartment anymore, unable to spend anymore money to make the place looked lived in and unable to go anywhere because I dont really have the money to do that either. There's only so much reading and internet surfing you can do. I want to throw myself at the job. I really dont want to think about anything but it.

I feel like I fucked up and I cant fix it but then again Im not sure what I could have done different. If someone has figured out a way to alter or get rid of certain feelings let me know so that in the future I can use it to unbotch my life.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sea of emotions

Never have I missed my mom more. I want to take the time here to acknowledge how much I love my parents. I dont think many of us do that. My parents are wonderful people and I miss getting the opportunity to see them whenever I might want. My mom sent me the most amazing birthday card that made me just bawl. I hope that at some point in the course of the 2 years I get to go home.

I feel fairly lost right now. With Kellen gone and our relationship? in the state that its in/ not in I feel like I have no anchor. But I realize too that this is the only way it can be right now; anything else didn't make sense. I want whatever entity might be upstairs to help me make it back to that man but in the way that he deserves. Where I dont need him to change. I know we're really good at walking through life side by side, I know that growing old together would be a beautiful fun thing. Now I just need to rid myself of doubt and push through to commitment. If I can't do it then he's not the one for me. There's no way to get through whatever my problem is together. Maybe whatever is wrong is permanent and has to do with two people just being that slightly bit off for one another? I hope not.