It rained for two days, it was cold, at one point it rained so hard that it rained INTO our stage and onto our set. I was wearing raingear and hauling as through like 6 inches of water. Bizarre for LA. Perhaps we can call that our "welcome" to fall/winter.
I welcome the hiatus next week and K's visit. Hopefully the DGA doesn't deem it an opportunity to day play me on anything. Sleep in a warm bed is what Im really looking forward to. I've been so cold at night; as if the chill has seeped into my bones.
I feel things on set felt off this week. Communication and personalities, things of that nature. I have so much to work on. As a person, as an AD...its tough because you want to impress people or meet their expectations but often their expectations or demands arent what you want for yourself and from yourself. Never has Emerson rang truer:
"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of a crowd keeps with perfect sweetnesss the independence of solitude." ~Emerson~
I hope that the amount of evaluation of self that I've been doing recently is something I can maintain. There are qualities that I want to fashion and mold and grow within myself and while I want to meet the expectations of my supervisors I don't want to forget or replace the goals I have for myself and the person I want to be.
My biggest goal: A calmer me, someone who doesn't take every pitfall as a giant canyon that must be hurdled. Call it me cultivating an inner zen. It's probably the hardest thing I'm going to face but I think if I can even slightly touch this state my life will improve tenfold. This goal includes within it less complaining. While I think Ive been achieving really well not griping while on set I think I continue to go home and feel sorry for myself and that has got to be cut down. OK so its fine to feel shitty about your situation sometimes but "poor me, poor me" is only getting me so far. Im cutting that shit out STARTING NOW.
So its hard and Im sad and I feel alone- externalizing that is not helping me ameliorate it either.
So with this weekend coming up lets take a look at some things I hope to achieve:
-Furniture shopping! I could really use a coffee table and tv stand and an end table for the living room. Perhaps a comfy chair. This weekend Im hitting up the stores to try and spruce up the digs before K's visit.
-Watching Two Towers. Have been trying to get to this for 2 weeks now! I plan on sitting on the couch or bed, drinking tea and going nowhere. If I had a cat- he'd be right there with me.
-Buying some new clothes for work.
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