Its a Man's World

Oh yes...here's a good one:

Joking around about one of the men (wont mention who) going into the production meeting to this song thats like the entrance to boxing match. This little fantasy scenario continues and the two guys in this convo are like oh yeah and so and so can be rubbing my shoulders as I walk in...wearing a robe and some shorts...

And I say, yeah you need some of those Round 1, Round 2 girls too.

And then he says to me:

"Honey, nobody wants to see you in a bathing suit."

ZING!

Makes me feel really good about all that workin out I do :)

I'm an Idiot, My Boss Hates Me, My Heart Hurts

This job will kill me. Maybe not this particular one but this career will. My heart goes into overdrive and I feel like a 27 year old person should not be experiencing chest pain. I get too stressed out, I TRY to live up to the expectations of one of my bosses and simply CAN NOT meet them no matter how hard I try. I forget things off the PR, or I miss hear or she just doesnt like the sound of my voice. When I try to sound nice and kowtow I think she thinks I'm being fake, when Im NORMAL Im not nice enough and come off as someone who doesn't want to learn. I can't do right by her at all.

I feel sad... Im just fucking sad. For whatever you see written in here most of the time Im sad. From both work and personal matters. Im trying to stay afloat on miniscule happy thoughts of Christmas and the Sims. My parents have essentially lost their job and are talking to me about moving back to Poland and... while they always do that this time it feels a lot more serious. I don't think I should stay with K. Someone spoke to me about how if we were meant to be together one of us would be willing to sacrifice in order for us to be in the same city and neither of us is willing to do that. I can't get over the fact that I lived with him and regardless of the circumstances I didn't have a good time and I don't know if I ever will and the opportunity to live together will not come up again in forever and can I really stay with him for that much longer? I can't find alternatives or moderate solutions; I just don't know how to be in an "open" relationship and be seeing other people. Its seems shitty and false and if Im going to do that I may as well just break up. I think Im a one or the other kind of person. This with the work and the parents and the loneliness of LA...

FUCK life. Just fuck it. The best part of my day is when I'm asleep. That's fucking sad.

New Computer

I did it. I finally sucked it up and spent the money on a new PC. I've been missing The Sims a lot. Enough to purchase a PC so that I can play it once again. So my new computer will hopefully arrive at my house by this weekend...

I know. It looks pretty BAMF. Its cause its from CyberPower...so basically I customed it so that it would run the game at its peak performance. It'll also function as my backup hardrive for all my music and photos from the Mac. The comp is on a 6 months no interest plan so i

ts not like Im dropping all the cash on it this very instant. Now I just need a name for it....

I also went ahead and purchased the expansion for the Sims that I was most excited about: Sims Ambitions. I bought that with my gift card to Amazon so it wasnt like I dropped extra cash on that.

So yeah...Sims...love of my life is back to get me through the hard times :)

Also did work on the Halloween costume this weekend that I WILL be wearing to work on Friday. Im sure I'll probably be mocked for it but who gives a shit you only live once. I'm going as a fairy. With a big neon blue wig of messy curls that has flowers and butterflies stuck in it, some awesome over the top eye makeup, a teal floaty dress and rather large teal and purple wings with blue rhinestones on them. Oh and purple tights. So the wings will get in the way of any sort of Halloween dancing at a club or anything like that...Ill look FAB! Pictures OF COURSE to follow.

Everyone is getting sick at work...Im bustin out the hand sanitizer and praying that the illness doesnt take me.

It's a Man's World

As Im sure you all have heard before film is a bit of male dominated career. So here's what I hope to be a segment of my blog dedicated to my experiences regarding being one of few vaginas. Looking forward to many many stories here.

Lets start with weeks ago....

A certain man fellow walked up to me one morning and said:

"You know what you need?"

Which of course is a question that leads to MANY fabulous answers. And I said

"No, No I dont."

"A man."

"Really? How do you know I need a man?"

"I can just tell."

"Well I already have a man, its our anniversary today and we've been together for 7 years" "Well...he's not doing his job."

What a lovely conversation that was.

Then we have yesterday...a more lovely and positive story of how me, Jessica (electric) and Diana(camera) chased out all the electrics from their room with our womanly conversations about marriage. It felt great to not have to be putting up a manly front. And it made the manly front super apparent for me when I didnt have to do it.

And here's a recent venture from today when my boss greeted me with "Hey bitch" when I walked in the office. I was like....uhhhh....hey? He was joking...and yet....it was still jarring...and uncomfortable.

Im sure there will be lots more of these experiences to come. ENJOY.

4 Day Weekend

So where the last weekend involved a lot of me sitting on my ass, this past one involved barely

sitting on it at all.

I had a blast with K. We went to most of the places on the list I had made for us and then some. There are still lots of LA things that we can do the next time. I continue to be really on the fence about this whole 3 years of long distance thing but as it stands I dont think my heart is ready to let go of us just yet...

So here's the list of what we did and where we went:

-The weekend started off with K. arriving at the Sony lot and getting to meet Jorge Garcia(aka Hurley from Lost), checking out the stages and my job and all that good stuff.

-Thur. morning we ran down the street a ways to Good and enjoyed some delicious brun

ch which was, delicious as always though I have to say I think I found myself a Good replacement that's closer to home.

-Then it was driving through downtown and back home only to...

-Take the subway to Hollywood and Highland where we did the walk of stars and Kodak Theatre and Graumann's Chinese..

- We walked back to the house making pitstops and Sunset and Vine and Amoeba music

- Shortly followed by driving over to Scoops and enjoying some beer inspired ice cream

- All in the same day we then ate over at Red Corner Asia and I had a delicious coconut beverage that Im absolutely in love with now (which btw K. said tasted like mold).

-And the day ended with a trip by subway again to the Arclight Cinerama Dome screening of The Social Network. K. loved the theatre and the movie.

-Fri morning: Cafe 101 around the corner from my house for delicious breakfast. This is when the fog flew into town so the rest of the weekend was enveloped in it.

-Then it was off to the Getty for the rest of the day, where we looked at so much cool shit. The coolest for me was probably the Bouguereau painting "A Young Girl Defending Herself Against Eros" since after all I LOVE his paintings and this was the first time I got to see one. My second favorite and Kellen's first was the Engaged Observers photography exhibit which we probably spent the longest time on.

-The rest of the evening was spent at home watching Thelma and Louise.

-Sat morning: Noah's Bagels early on then off to geocache at Griffith Park as well as a visit to the observatory.

- Then a ride down to Beverly Hills to pick up some Sprinkles cupcakes and go to Noodle Planet for Udon over near UCLA. Then back home to eat cupcakes, Mochi ice cream and watch Leaving Las Vegas.

- Sun morning: My Good replacement: Fred 62! I loved it! They played Queens of the Stone Age and Modest Mouse and served me a great freakin waffle and a great freakin breakfast sandwich with goat cheese on it to K. The coffee was great, the orange juice was real and the price was totally fair. V. excited about this find.

-And then K. was off to the airport. We said our goodbyes and I drove off only to get a call as soon as I got home from him about how the airline was offering 300$ to 5 people who were willing to wait 3 hours til the next flight since they overbooked. So booo I could have hung out with him longer but yay cause he basically flew to LA for free!

-So that was it...and it was great. I needed some good fun. Not saying Im not any less confused about my situation but it was a nice break from feeling sad and lonely.

Now its Wed and its been raining all week. We started shooting on location and ran really late so now everyday we go into the night and our call times are all pushed but I still have to get up freakin early to avoid traffic and sleep in my car. So basically Im exhausted, wet, and most of the time cold. Also base camp is hellishly far from set so most of my day is spent with hearing static on the walkie and nothing sucks more than that. I have no idea what's going on most of the time.

This weekend...another seminar...so even on Sat not much of sleeping in will happen. I plan on buying myself a PC this weekend for playing the Sims and maybe? finding myself a Halloween costume. Im so tired Im thinking about just wearing this wig I got instead of putting forth the effort of actually finding an entire costume.

3 Day Weekend

The week has certainly felt eventful. Last week went crazy fast whereas this week has felt like a dragging hellish month. I can't even remember Monday.

It rained for two days, it was cold, at one point it rained so hard that it rained INTO our stage and onto our set. I was wearing raingear and hauling as through like 6 inches of water. Bizarre for LA. Perhaps we can call that our "welcome" to fall/winter.

I welcome the hiatus next week and K's visit. Hopefully the DGA doesn't deem it an opportunity to day play me on anything. Sleep in a warm bed is what Im really looking forward to. I've been so cold at night; as if the chill has seeped into my bones.

I feel things on set felt off this week. Communication and personalities, things of that nature. I have so much to work on. As a person, as an AD...its tough because you want to impress people or meet their expectations but often their expectations or demands arent what you want for yourself and from yourself. Never has Emerson rang truer:

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of a crowd keeps with perfect sweetnesss the independence of solitude." ~Emerson~

I hope that the amount of evaluation of self that I've been doing recently is something I can maintain. There are qualities that I want to fashion and mold and grow within myself and while I want to meet the expectations of my supervisors I don't want to forget or replace the goals I have for myself and the person I want to be.

My biggest goal: A calmer me, someone who doesn't take every pitfall as a giant canyon that must be hurdled. Call it me cultivating an inner zen. It's probably the hardest thing I'm going to face but I think if I can even slightly touch this state my life will improve tenfold. This goal includes within it less complaining. While I think Ive been achieving really well not griping while on set I think I continue to go home and feel sorry for myself and that has got to be cut down. OK so its fine to feel shitty about your situation sometimes but "poor me, poor me" is only getting me so far. Im cutting that shit out STARTING NOW.

So its hard and Im sad and I feel alone- externalizing that is not helping me ameliorate it either.

So with this weekend coming up lets take a look at some things I hope to achieve:

-Furniture shopping! I could really use a coffee table and tv stand and an end table for the living room. Perhaps a comfy chair. This weekend Im hitting up the stores to try and spruce up the digs before K's visit.

-Watching Two Towers. Have been trying to get to this for 2 weeks now! I plan on sitting on the couch or bed, drinking tea and going nowhere. If I had a cat- he'd be right there with me.

-Buying some new clothes for work.

Christmas Tickets Booked

I'm incredibly pleased with myself because I went for it and bit the bullet and bought those tickets to go home for Christmas. I have no guarantees that I won't be called upon by the DGA so I may end up being out some money but I just can't imagine how I might feel if I don't spend the holidays with my family. For the first time the longing to go home is unbelievable and the joy I experienced after paying for those tickets was definitely something.

So yes, 440$ (WOW! I thought Id be spending at least 200 more) I have flight to Tampa and 10 days in Florida to spend with my rents.

The weekend went well. Overall it felt like a blink of the eye, what with the 8 hour seminar and all. After 8 hours of learning the NEW methods (not that different really...) Im now First Aid and CPR certified. Not that it will really make that big of a difference since I dont think anyone will actually let me touch them on set anyways since there's a medic just about anywhere you go.

Oh and guess who could have used that medic this morning? Thats right ME. It was all misty and foggy this morning (now its actually RAINING) and I freakin slipped on the wardrobe stairs and hit my back (as in my spine) on the top stair then slid down on my ass all the way to the bottom. All this pretty much directly in front of all of transpo. So now like an idiot my back hurts and I feel like I should probably log it on the DPR.

Oh and my Thai massage was pretty good. I dont know if I would go ahead and pay 45 dollars for it normally I think Im fully satisfied with my foot/shoulder/back massage for 25. Im going to be looking into the cost of yoga classes near my apartment to add to my weekend regiment.

More to add on this weekend at a further time...

Grrrr

I just realized that the lovely weekend I've been looking forward to will be eaten up by a DGA Seminar on First Aid and CPR. The seminars don't really bother me when they teach me things I don't already know but as a former R.A of 3 years I have been through enough First Aid and CPR training sessions to keep me medically trained for the next long while. BALLS! I do NOT want to spend my Saturday morning breathing into a mannequin. I want to lounge in bed and watch Don Draper damn it. Oh well...there's not much I can do about it I guess.

Weekend plans include but are not limited to:

-getting the Thai massage I bought for 22 bucks from one of those Groupon things

-hanging out with Kimby and friends and playing board games on Saturday night

-going shopping for new pants, work shirts and socks at the Buffalo Exchange

-buying Pandemic to play on Saturday night (less likely to happen now that we have that dumbass seminar)

-watching The Two Towers

-buying my ticket to fly home for Christmas (eish that is gonna be a lot of money!)

Oh and K. bought a ticket to come and see me! So in less than 2 weeks from now he'll be here!