Saturday, November 27, 2010

Life You Kill Me...Can I turn down the difficulty level?


Seriously. Ridiculous. I don't think a more back and forth, uncertain person can exist than me.

Has anyone ever thought about something so much that they have no idea what they actually think about the subject anymore by the time they realize how long they've been thinking about it? Or feel? Maybe I should use the word FEEL here.

What does it mean when you're confused about love? Confused about how you feel about someone? Am I comfortable or am I in love? Am I both? How do you KNOW deep down in your gut know if this is the person for you. I think its fair to say that there's some choice in the matter certainly but I also think there is some lack of choice too; afterall why do we like the people we like?

I'm in a ridiculous situation. I've been with someone for 7 years...I thought he was the man for me, perhaps I still do think this. We moved in together, I was sad, panicked, totally freaked out. Perhaps it was the circumstances? Or maybe it was just him? Now we're far apart. Very far apart. Do we keep going? A part of me feel this person is a part of me. More a part of me than my parents in some ways. But what now? 3 or 2 years of more long distance? Seeing each other for 3 or 4 days every month or 2? Is that a way to spend the rest of your 20s?

Open relationship perhaps?? But then how the fuck does that work?? Give up on it completely? But then when I try to do that my heart cries out and freaks out in such a way that I start to doubt that its JUST comfort and that there really is something to this person.

I don't know. How do you find clarity on a subject like this?

Hope that it all sorts ITSELF out in the end? I'd love to do that except for the fact that the firmest belief I hold is that one creates their own existence and life experience so by doing nothing I am in fact doing something therefore, an active choice is very important. Which way do I decide and how do I determine how to even make the decision.

So again I say...Life? Can we please PLEASE turn the difficulty level down just a tad??


  1. I know where you're coming from, I wish I could say it gets easier with confidence, but it does get different usually.

    Anyway, you can't look at it as how you're going to spend the rest of your twenties, but where is it going eventually. Because looking it at it like "the rest of your twenties" makes it sound like a prison sentence or something, and I don't think that's helpful.

    On the plus side, if it falls apart you won't have to move to get away from your broken heart.

  2. Thanks Ashley...I think you're right about the whole 20s thing. I dont know Im going to do my darnest to not think about it too much, let go of the worry, focus on work and see what happens. I think THAT is the best thing I could possibly do in this situation right now cause thinking about it isnt getting me anywhere.