Birthdays

Ok so ever since I can remember, for the most part, my birthdays have been horrible. I've always cried on them and tried really hard not to give a shit. To, call it a day like any other and move the fuck on. There's been one or two in recent years that have surmounted this "stereotype" of mine and I thought that perhaps finally I'd dug myself out of the hole of having craptastic birthdays where I feel distanced from my family, or so geeky and estranged that I had noone to share it with me. Well quite honestly I think this last one may have taken the cake. Worse than when my ex boyfriend's father died on my birthday. I'm not trying to get sympathy just blathering on about whats going on in life. All said and done that night I realized that my relationship really and truly has ended. I thank my friends for being there with some really good advice that I can hopefully keep in my thoughts as I go forward. Working on that as we speak.

Please put me to work! I dont want to sit in the empty apartment anymore, unable to spend anymore money to make the place looked lived in and unable to go anywhere because I dont really have the money to do that either. There's only so much reading and internet surfing you can do. I want to throw myself at the job. I really dont want to think about anything but it.

I feel like I fucked up and I cant fix it but then again Im not sure what I could have done different. If someone has figured out a way to alter or get rid of certain feelings let me know so that in the future I can use it to unbotch my life.

Sea of emotions

Never have I missed my mom more. I want to take the time here to acknowledge how much I love my parents. I dont think many of us do that. My parents are wonderful people and I miss getting the opportunity to see them whenever I might want. My mom sent me the most amazing birthday card that made me just bawl. I hope that at some point in the course of the 2 years I get to go home.

I feel fairly lost right now. With Kellen gone and our relationship? in the state that its in/ not in I feel like I have no anchor. But I realize too that this is the only way it can be right now; anything else didn't make sense. I want whatever entity might be upstairs to help me make it back to that man but in the way that he deserves. Where I dont need him to change. I know we're really good at walking through life side by side, I know that growing old together would be a beautiful fun thing. Now I just need to rid myself of doubt and push through to commitment. If I can't do it then he's not the one for me. There's no way to get through whatever my problem is together. Maybe whatever is wrong is permanent and has to do with two people just being that slightly bit off for one another? I hope not.

Return to Texas...Departure from Texas

I'm sure at this point anyone that reads this is aware that I successfully made it into the DGA. No it hasn't registered yet. I still can't believe that in, pretty much a week, I'll be heading out to the west coast to live there for at least two years.

Finding out was beautiful BTW. Just before I lost ALL service for the next month the DGA called as we rounded the bend of this greeny mountain and in front of me appeared the Big Horn Mountains (the for serious, big snow

y ones). Only a couple of feet further and I lost reception after I got off the phone with them so they quite literally got me at the last second.

This is where I found out:

It was, and continues to be a real mixed bag of emotions. I dont

really want to talk more in depth about it other than the fact that I feel like this, in addition to other things, will have a real impact on my relationship.

I'm excited and terrified of what's coming. I'm one of 15 chosen which is awesome. Within the next 3 weeks I need to drive to LA, find an apartment, furniture, various sorts of house items since I got rid of so much when combining households with Kellen, read 2 books before our orientation, talk to my mentor, and start working as a 2nd 2nd! I can't wait to find out what my first assignment will be.

I'm currently in Colorado Springs on the return trip ba

ck from Wanda the Wonderful. I don't want to say too much about the filming....there were many many events and moments along the way. It was a hard show. Not in terms of how much we were actually shooting, but there were many, many other things that made it so much harder to get through. We got it all though and Wyoming was STUNNING. Check out my facebook for the buttloads of photos I took. Here's just one of my panoramas:

So tomm will be back in Texas for a week of packing, preparing, calling loans and telling them that I need to defer for a month or two while I get my shit together, and probably being unbelievably sad. My heart is broken because I feel like I'm loosing my best friend. Excitement, joy, fear, and pain are all wrapped into one at this moment in my life.

Oh Laziness...

I have the uncanny ability to stress out even while not working!

Alright here's the what not.

I worked this weekend on an MTV Tres production of Quiero Mis Quinces which is like My Super Sweet Sixteen except about Quinceanera's. I had no idea that these things existed until like 2 days ago.

Beyond that...no news on the DGA front. Yes I'm starting to worry a little bit. I'm beginning to mentally prepare myself for the rejection.

Really bad shitty news. Got a new camera (Nikon d50) and knowing my awesome luck I was almost in an accident on the highway involving a trash can that required me to swerve suddenly and in the process I cracked the LCD on the camera. It still works but its a 250$ fix which is about what the camera is worth...so forget that. This has been bothering me so much you have no idea. Mostly because the trip I was making when this happened (which was for Wanda) was completely and utterly useless and pointless. So I can't get over the fact that not only did I waste my time but I broke my camera for no reason. It upset me all over again this morning when I started thinking about it and my back has been hurting since.

I'm packing for Wanda today and getting all the stu

ff ready for the drive tomm. I'm really concerned that we're not going to be able to fit everything into that van. 8 people bringing enough stuff for an entire month each as well as wardrobe for an entire movie....I've been doubting it all along but even more so now that I've finished packing. Generally I pack light but since the weather up there changes so much due to the altitude I'm packing everything: sweaters, coats, tights, jeans, light shirts, rain gear, all that stuff.. Additionally I'm bringing my knitting and 3 books to keep me sane on the drive as well as while we're there.

I've been feeling so lazy. I want to work out since I've gained some of the weight I lost back but I just get all sleepy and bored feeling and then I dont want to do anything. I'm going to force myself in a second to work out for a bit. I mean geez its not like I'm doing much else at home I should at least be able to do that.

I did go geocache for the first time yesterday which was very very fun! I'll post on my geocache escapades from now on as well if they're interesting.

Ah and here's some updates on plants:

Letttuce is...doing ok. I replanted it into regular potting mix (not the seedling kind) and I think I did it too early. I also think I should have added compost/manure to the mix and am considering repotting it today actually...Am worried though that if I touch it I might end up killing more of the lettuce in the process and there already arent that many to begin with.

Nasturtiums- aren't lookin so good. Mostly because of the heat. Its so damn hot that even the plants that are full sun can not handle my balcony. I've had to create lean-tos with some metal sheeting I found just to protect them from scorching. Also these guys have gotten knocked about by the wind a lot and are just not looking very aesthetic at all.

Shasta Daisys- are having good days if I keep them inside but can't stand the heat either despite being drought tolerant. I've gotten some scorched leaves and some seedlings that I thought were in a good place that just up and wilted on me. Once again don't have very many plants left from the plants I started.

Lupine- now these guys are doing great! mostly because I keep them inside because I went ahead and sowed some other seeds in with them and have to protect the little guys by keeping them inside. But the lupine is generally very resilient to the heat to begin with.

Tomatoes- These guys arent having any problems. Not yet anyway. I went ahead and potted up before I head out for a month and they're happily chugging along in their bigger pots with LOTS of mushroom compost. Now if I can just get my hands on some comfrey tea....

Thats it! Reading You Grow Girl now and loving it! Who knew that such a girlie looking book could be so fun and helpful to read. Shouldn't be judging the book by its cover :)

Thoughts on LA

My time here is starting to come to a close and I've had a really great time. Catching up with everyone has been more meaningful than I thought it was going to be and seeing LA and the way that I might be living has certainly been good. I think one of my huge problems in the move to Dallas was me not fulling preparing

myself for what was to come--this trip to LA should forego that experience at least somewhat should I get into the DGA.

The city is fine and I think I could be happy

here. Moreover, the housing situation, which was what was really scaring me can be worked out. I don't have to live in a complete hovel given the amount of rent that Tom wants to pay. As long as we do some hardcore searching I think where we live can even be quite nice, possibly built in the fifties and have a fantastic "easy bake oven" in the wall and pink tile like Anj's place :)

The interview itself went decent. Who knows what to expect though because hones

tly at this point its not about if I was good its more about if there were people that were better--

and I can't do anything about that. So we wait...for either dreadful crying (whi

ch will happen believe me and this point I really, really want it even more

now that I've seen LA) or bittersweet happiness since I'll be leaving Kellen behind.

It's out of my hands but you all can keep your fingers crossed for me if you like! The day before the interview I helped a ladybug out of Rickia and Justin's apt and then I found a lucky penny which I brought with me to the interview. Who knows maybe they'll help?

Los Angeles and DGA Interviews

So Im here! Finally after so many years of thinking about it and imagining it.

At first I was skeptical and not feelin so good about the city. Now three days in and I'm feelin it a lot more. I think I could live here and be hap

py...maybe not overjoyed...but content for certain.

Good news (which I'm sure most anyone reading this blog already knows due to facebook)--I made it on to the 2nd round of interviews! I'm psyched, happy, a little nervous for sure but I think I'll be ok. One way or the other the outcome will not be bad and for once in my life, when it comes to something I want so badly, if the result is negative I'll still be ok. Still hoping for the best though.

I've prepped a lot for the individual, and will be prepping some more tomm. I go in for the interview at 5pm and will not know anything regarding whether I get in or not for about 2-3 weeks. Long wait...good thing it will be mostly filled with Wanda stuff.

Seeing everyone here has been great! Everyone has been so helpful and supportive, it's definately made going to these interviews SO much easier (this is including all you online people--you have no idea what it means to know that you have ppl who believe in you in this circumstance). Cheers to you all.

DGA-ness

So that interview is coming up fast and furious. I'm getting ready figuring out what I'm going to wear, changing up my resume, and thinking about what questions and answers they might be asking me. I'm generally nervous. Obviously, since the outcome is really going to determine so much. Yesterday I was just stressing myself out. I think about everything happening all at once and forget that I don't have to worry about it all at exactly the same time. It's like anything left unaccomplished bothers me.

Wanda stuff is hitting the fan too. I have a lot of things to worry/think about for that as well. Paperwork and making sure everything is printed before we head out there since the nearest town will be so far away. Keeping up with wardrobe and PD, granted that's not my job completely but Im still concerned about it. Then there's the van and the driving. Thank god that the scheduling is completed and hopefully will stay that way without too many changes.

I know this is really dumb to post about but I want everyone to know how much I wish that I had the Sims. I'm really missing my PC and being able to sit down with that game and just zone out for a couple hours. Prolly wont be getting to play it anytime remotely soon now.