Life You Kill Me...Can I turn down the difficulty level?

Ridiculous.

Seriously. Ridiculous. I don't think a more back and forth, uncertain person can exist than me.

Has anyone ever thought about something so much that they have no idea what they actually think about the subject anymore by the time they realize how long they've been thinking about it? Or feel? Maybe I should use the word FEEL here.

What does it mean when you're confused about love? Confused about how you feel about someone? Am I comfortable or am I in love? Am I both? How do you KNOW deep down in your gut know if this is the person for you. I think its fair to say that there's some choice in the matter certainly but I also think there is some lack of choice too; afterall why do we like the people we like?

I'm in a ridiculous situation. I've been with someone for 7 years...I thought he was the man for me, perhaps I still do think this. We moved in together, I was sad, panicked, totally freaked out. Perhaps it was the circumstances? Or maybe it was just him? Now we're far apart. Very far apart. Do we keep going? A part of me feel this person is a part of me. More a part of me than my parents in some ways. But what now? 3 or 2 years of more long distance? Seeing each other for 3 or 4 days every month or 2? Is that a way to spend the rest of your 20s?

Open relationship perhaps?? But then how the fuck does that work?? Give up on it completely? But then when I try to do that my heart cries out and freaks out in such a way that I start to doubt that its JUST comfort and that there really is something to this person.

I don't know. How do you find clarity on a subject like this?

Hope that it all sorts ITSELF out in the end? I'd love to do that except for the fact that the firmest belief I hold is that one creates their own existence and life experience so by doing nothing I am in fact doing something therefore, an active choice is very important. Which way do I decide and how do I determine how to even make the decision.

So again I say...Life? Can we please PLEASE turn the difficulty level down just a tad??

Shopping Extravaganza

For me anytime I spend something over 100 dollars its considered a shopping bonanza so this weekend I decided that there were some things that I just needed.

For starters I needed a vacuum cleaner so there went about 50 bucks on the cheapest Dirt Devil I could find. It seems to be working well enough so Im satisfied with it.

And then there were speakers for my computer (I bought Sony ones for

30 bucks but I dont actually like them so they're probably going to go back). I plan on checkin out the Sony store on the lot and seeing what I can get there.

There there were some shirts. I bought 4 long sleeved shirts for work cause Ive been rotating through my 5 shirts way too much to the point where you can see I only own those couple shirts. But hurray for Buffalo exchange cause 30 dollars later I love my shirts! I also LOVE shopping there. I know its a hunt and sometimes something not fitting you right is dissapointing because you just CANT get it in the right size. But when you find some

thing great boy does it feel good.

Then there are my new monkey slippers:

And last but not least Im incredibly excited about FINALLY getting myself Pandemic as well as Beyond Balderdash. Saturday will be boardgame awesomeness!!! I can not WAIT!

PS. Sims is amazing. I love the Ambitions expansion and all I want to do is play more and more! Good news is that after this week I have a 10 day Thanksgiving break and can Sim it up for awhile :)

On Fall and Changes

More than likely my favorite time of the year fall is now being experienced in Los Angeles and its bringing with it highs of enjoyment and of course some disappointments. For starters, I sorely miss the rain of course. There's nothing like Florida downpours and that fresh and moist smell in the air. NEVER thought Id miss Florida but it seems that rain-forest climate is now in my bones.

The weather here has been up down up down; today its unbelievably hot. Nights are unbelievabl

y cold for me; at times I sleep under a down

comforter with another comforter on top of that and two long sleeved pajama shirts. I've actually had the cold wake me up in the mornings. The heat was turned on too, I don't know if its how old the building is or if

something is broken because I've never had to deal with a gas heater before.

Fall brings me Halloween, the ultimate of holidays! And even

though I didn't carve a pumpkin this year the costuming went over really well. I didn't even really DO too much because I was exhausted from work. I did wear my fairy outfit to work on Friday, where it was a big hit and then later out to Hollywood and Highland to walk the Walk of Fame and see everyone else's outfits. Strangers took photos with me, I took photos of strangers and all around fun was had.

Thanksgiving plans are abound. I've decided to host a Film School Family dinner at my place complete with long tables and lots chairs and hopefully many attendees and lots of food.

Caroline has volunteered to be the turkey master so I am thankful that day for being alleviated of that chore.

My computer came! It's sitting in a large box in front of the doorway in the living room and tempting me. Its making me crave the weekend. Well, that and whats been a pretty difficult week so far. I feel pretty tired. (De

finitely going in for a massage on Sat and Sun.) But yay computer...sadly amazon shipped Sims Ambitions to...Tallahassee so I may not be seeing that for a little bit(booooo).

And last but not least...Tom is moving out in December and Laura is moving in. It's an unfortunate series of events and a decision made by me to not continue fighting with my landlord. I cant afford to be mentally and monetarily moving at the moment and given that atmosphere surrounding the whole situation I was just tired of phone calls and complaints. I hope that our friendship will remain despite the fact that I know he feels at least somewhat if not totally betrayed. I did not ask him to go, the landlord did, even though I think he doesnt see it that way. But you never know...perhaps even good things will come of this? Maybe he will be happier in his living situation that follows, maybe me and Laura will become good friends?